Sad News

On August 1st, we were asked to come back for another ultrasound to make sure the pregnancy was progressing. Unfortunately, it did not and in fact there was no heart beat. This was absolutely devastating. You have obviously committed yourself to the pregnancy and started thinking about the future which you just can't help. You go through all the emotions, thinking its you, wondering if it can ever happen, thinking about what you could have done wrong. There is a huge dark cloud around you.

I waited a week to see if it would pass naturally and it did not. My doctor finally called and I made myself clear that i was done waiting. You still have all the pregnancy symptoms (nausea, sore boobs, bad sleeps) and you're dealing with the emotional symptoms of pregnancy loss. It's quite cruel. She offered to prescribe misoprostol which would move things along. After discussing with Case, I decided to go ahead with it.

I took misoprostol at 7am on Thursday. At 1030am, I felt nothing and was weeding the garden outside. At 1115am, i felt slight cramping and decided to watch TV. At 1130am, I was hunched over on the couch in horrible pain. That was probably the worst pain I have ever felt. I have several tattoos and nothing could compare. At one point, i was worried that I was alone at home. In retrospect, I'm happy I was alone because I needed to concentrate on the pain and get through it. This intense pain lasted until 5pm, and that is when things started to move down below. It has been 5 days and i'm still experiencing some cramping and a period type situation. I am very happy it's over and done. You seriously need to experience the loss physically in order to mentally move on.

We can now look forward to our wedding (which seems like an eternity away) and hope that the next go around is a success.

All kinds of new things

This past week has been full of firsts. Friday last week is when the nausea started. I've had to eat crackers in bed first thing in the morning before my eyes are even fully open. It's helped quite a bit but it's very un-appetizing. Started going to my pre-natal fitness class where I am by far the least pregnant person there. I also went to aquafit on Saturday and attempted to squeeze my giant breasts into my usual one piece. That was a morning full of nip slips and full on flashes. I'm liking the exercise so I'll definitely keep it up.

Today we went for the dating ultrasound which was a freaky experience. Showed up with an extremely full bladder. She started with the normal "on top" ultrasound and said my bladder was too full. Had to empty it out by a cup and a half. I did that and came back into the room. She scanned in silence for a few minutes then said "I don't see anything. I'm going to do the vaginal ultrasound. Go and empty out completely." I did that and came back to the room quite scared. She started....the more invasive ultrasound.... and was silent again. "Should I go get your husband?"... I was panicking. "Yes please".

Case comes in and sits in the chair while I am mid probe. "I will show her then I will show you". She shows me the screen. "This is your peanut and this is the heartbeat." I burst out crying. She really scared me! "The heart beat is a bit low, but you're early. Only 6 weeks 2 days". I thought I was 7 weeks. She said the heartbeat was at 80 and should be up higher. I should go back in a few weeks to make sure everything is going up. I'm a little worried but she said its very early and people get stressed out over early results.

Let's all send good vibes!

Information Gumbo

Today was our first doctors appointment. As soon as I got there, they took another urine sample to re-confirm the positive test results. I was a bit nervous actually but felt relieved when the two lines appeared on their test strip. We were led into the exam room and waited for the doctor. I am quite pleased since my regular GP (Heather Jenkins) has a special interest in obstetrics and will follow me the whole way.

Once she came in, she gave me a ton of paperwork. Blood test requisitions, a req for a dating ultrasound (we had a few jokes for this one), information on genetic testing and information on pregnancy pow-wows. I'm going to complete the blood work tomorrow morning since I'm the kind if person that likes to see hard proof of what's going on in there.

I've been reading lots of books. Started the famous "what to expect" and "the mother of all pregnancy books". They are both great but my favorite by far is (with the silliest title of all time) "I'm pregnant! Canadian edition". It has real pictures of every stage, even now when it basically looks like a bunch of goop. I guess I'm still 10 years old and I need books with pictures in it to keep my attention.

I'm feeling happy and excited but still trying to keep a level head. Can't wait until I can be 100% pumped!

Now to enjoy this summer evening with my non-alcoholic cider or perhaps if I get really crazy, my non-alcoholic beer.

Let's Roll With It

Tuesday morning at precisely 6am, i woke up from a very odd dream. I dreamed that I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. As I looked down at the stick in shock, i looked up to see my entire family, including my grandparents, staring at me. I woke up immediately and went to the loo. I had bought a pregnancy test the night before because at this point I was 4 days late. This was not something new. For the past 7 months my "cycle" has been all over the place, one month i missed it completely. I basically just bought it to ease my mind. I was certain that it would come back negative and I would know that it would come eventually. My eyes were half open and I still felt completely asleep. I decided to whip out the test since it says you should use the first urine of the day. Great time to get it over with then I could go back to sleep.

I did my business with the stick and was about to set it down. For those who have never taken this test before, there is a first line that shows up as proof that the test is working. According to the instructions, you need to wait 3-5 minutes for the results. In the past few months I had taken this test a few times since I had never been late and i had no idea why i would miss a period. Each time it was negative. You see the first line, you wait, and a second line never appears. This time, I had barely let it go on the counter and there was two very bright lines. I felt like i was in a dream. It was so early in the morning, I just woke up from the most bizarre dream and i didn't know if i was going to faint of throw up.

Case was in the dining room having his usual pre-work routine which I usually sleep through. I came out of the bathroom holding this stick calling out "BABE? CASE? BABE?". He said "I'm in here. Why are you awake?". I was holding this stick in my hand and I just stared at him, probably looking like a deer in headlights. He said "What is that. What..What...Whaaaaaaaaaat???". I think i showed it to him but i'm not actually sure what happened at that moment. I sat down and was shaking a bit. He said he was very happy and that we should look into buying a good camera. Oh how I love this man.

Case left to go to work and I sat there in silence for a bit. I took a shower and got ready for work. Since it was so early I had lots of time so I decided I needed to stop at my parents house. I walked in and they looked confused since I never come by on a Tuesday before work. I didn't say a word but they knew something was up. My mom looked at me and said "What...What is going on... You're pregnant." I didn't say yes but i also didn't say no. I'm pretty sure they had a small-medium heart attack. We had a long discussion about everything and off I went to work. Obviously that whole day was very odd and I just wanted to get home and double check that test. When i got home the two lines were still there. Dang. I took another test the next morning just in case and it was even faster and darker than the morning before. I guess that's that! I called my GP and made an appointment for next week. I guess it's time to roll!